My Summer on Earth by Tom Lombardi

Author:Tom Lombardi
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Simon & Schuster
Published: 2008-07-15T00:00:00+00:00

10

“Ever been in a Porsche?” the douche asks, putting “sunglasses” on his face even though darkness has all shown up. “Of course you haven’t,” he says as we’re, like, driving backward out of the driveway. The thing is so red and shiny an earthling can lick its sides without getting a disease. Suddenly we’re driving so fast the trees are melting into what appears to be green wires of water flying over us. I like going fast. In fact, I’m thinking I’ll buy a “Porsche” when I return to Venice and drive Zoë around in it.

“So,” he’s asking, the hand of his suit squeezing a bar that appears to control the speed of the car, “what do you want from life?”

“I wanted,” I say in our language, “to go on the mission, you know, for the adventure of it all.”

“Speak in earthling English.”

“Sorry.”

“Are you saying you’re nothing more than an errand boy sent by grocery clerks?”

“That’s like the douchiest thing I’ve ever heard.”

“First off, it’s from a brilliant movie. Secondly, your overuse of the douche word is grating on my nerves. And—as you know, I don’t even have nerves.”

“Wait,” I say, watching the trees blurring into the road lamps, “what if I can’t act?”

“You’ve been acting like an earthling ever since you arrived.”

“I have?”

“Do you realize how many actors in this town would kill to travel to a foreign planet in another fucking galaxy and act like one of their own?”

“I guess.”

“You guess…well, does this Zoë think you’re an earthling?”

“Yes.”

“You know, Brando said that every single one of us is an actor. Look, you see a woman at work. You think she’s wearing the ugliest dress on the planet. What do you tell her?”

“That the dress is fucking ugly?”

“No!” The car stops all of a sudden, and the douche waves to another earthling in a car, and then the engine’s roaring as we’re moving again.

“I don’t really know what ‘work’ is.”

“I’m speaking theoretically,” he says, and then the car starts flashing down the hill when he’s all, “Douche.”

“You’re the douche.”

He uses his hand to hit me in the shoulder portion. “I’m just kidding, man.” The douche is all smiles now. Then his smile fades and he’s all talking about Brando again: “Brando was a artistic volcano of violent and complex emotions…at once explosive and feminine.”

“But he was an earthling.”

“Wrong!”

“He was from another planet?”

“No, he was an earthling, but one who transcended all Earth beings!”

“So if we’re not, like, earthlings—why compare us to this Brando being?”

“You know Brando hated acting,” the douche is saying, looking at himself through the small mirror, “he despised it, considered acting a lower form of art. You, Jack Copper, are going to be the same. You’re a rebel with one cause—to not give a fuck! Plus, with my connections and experience, we’ll soar above and beyond all this commercial vehicle crap.”

Meanwhile, his being inside the suit has formed into several brown cubes—which, on our planet represents anger and shit. I’m all, “Why are you angry?”

“I’m not angry,” he says, his eyes widening as he smiles.

Download

Copyright Disclaimer:
This site does not store any files on its server. We only index and link to content provided by other sites. Please contact the content providers to delete copyright contents if any and email us, we'll remove relevant links or contents immediately.